Days 6-14 in the NICU

These days with Charley in the NICU were some of the hardest emotional days of my life to date. If you've never had a child have to stay in the hospital while you go home, it's just impossible to explain. 

It's impossible to make anyone understand the awful feelings of guilt I experienced every hour of every day. Guilt from not being able to be with charley 24/7. Guilt from not being the ever present person in my older kids lives, having to shift them back and forth when they are used to being with me. Trying to make their little minds and hearts understand something that they shouldn't have to understand. Trying to keep my heart from breaking into a million pieces in front of them. 

The feelings of frustration, helplessness, heartbreak, and of course exhaustion were almost too much to bear. I think I was taught many lessons during these 2 weeks about letting other people help me, letting go of being able to "do it all" and just doing what is of absolute priority, lessons in patience, perseverance, humility, love. There's lots to be learned within the walls of the NICU. 

I also learned less deep lessons in how fast I could eat a meal, how few hours I could sleep, how many hours I could go go go after having given birth before my body would literally scream STOP at me. 

But what turned out to be the most important lessons I got during days 6-14 in the NICU was how to get a pre-term baby to EAT! 

Here's what the majority of people may not know about babies born early...the suck, swallow, breathe reflex is not learned in utero until around week 37. The lungs fully mature and the last thing babies learn while still in womb is suck, swallow, breathe. So when charley came at 35 weeks he was completely healthy and perfect other than the things that were 100% expected of him based on his gestational age. Meaning his lungs were a bit underdeveloped, which we took care of in days 1-4. Then following that all we had to do was learn the suck, swallow, breathe. Sounds fairly easy. But it's not. So here we go....

Day 6 was the 1st day they introduced the bottle to charley. He had been getting all of his feedings through the feeding tube. Day 6 we started the training on suck, swallow, breathe.  

Day 6 was also the 1st day I was able to dress Charley in his own clothes & use his own blankets. 

 Precious boy!

 Day 7 back at the NICU and Charley had several visitors this day...

 Mommy of course

 Gigi got to hold Charley for the first time 

 

Mamaw got to come see & hold Charley for the first time. She had been out of town since he was born.

My BFF Emily Anne came all the way from searcy, AR to see charley & to love on me. Love her!

Day 8 in the NICU...this is where "groundhog day" really starts to set in. There is not much new each day. Every day seems to be the exact same as the day before and it gets really old really fast. 

Day 9 = Mommy's birthday and also another groundhog day...

 I know we have so many pictures of me just holding charley in the nicu but that's basically all that went on. Me & him. Every day. 

Day 10...here we go again...

 Day 11.

There's just really not much to report these days. It was all about the feeding. We had to get him to the point where he was taking 90-100% of the volume he needs by bottle instead of tube. One day we would get like 25%, the next day 28%, the next day 61%, the next day 45%. Just soooo frustrating and never ending. 

 Day 12. This day right here is when mommy had had ENOUGH. The day before I had done most of the feeding throughout the day and he was doing GREAT, I expected an 80-90% day but noooo overnight the nurse who was doing his feeds totally ruined our percentage. She barely fed him by bottle at all setting us back. Yet again. 

 So day 12= mommy's taking this over. I was there for EVERY. SINGLE. FEEDING. I stayed overnight in the chair and I did them all myself. Was not risking that his percentage would fall again.

Morning of day 13= the Dr reviews the numbers from all the feedings and talks to me. He gives us permission to "room in" that night and I will take over his feeding. changing, everything in the hospital but while they are still monitoring us. I've already been doing this but now we get to go to our own room outside of the NICU. The Dr. is quick to tell me that this does not mean he will be released, it means they will see cause he still believes Charley's eating to be "marginal at best, but my feeding is superior" so combined he thinks we may be ready. I totally think we're ready. We got this! 

Like I said in the beginning, the biggest thing I learned was how to feed a pre-term baby. I was there every day with the occupational therapist, learning how the muscles work together, learning about the sucking reflex, learning how to rouse him when he would want to be done. I watched, I listened, I learned and then through sheer determination & force of will- I put it into practice! 

So day 13 and we are in a room all by ourselves! No tubes, No wires. Just us!

 And lo and behold...come the morning of the 14th day and Charley had gained 100 grams overnight being with me. They deemed us ready to GO HOME!!!

 Day 14= Bringing our Baby Home 

 Charley got to finally meet his brother & sister. 

Our family is complete. All 5 of us at home together! 

We are oh so happy to be home all together. It is definitely another adjustment period getting the schedules of all 3 kiddos in sync but this is a much happier adjustment. I am slowly releasing all this built up tension I was carrying around in my body while Charley was in the NICU and just relaxing into happy mode. Again it's hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it but I feel like I've had "my game face on" doing what had to be done and trying to bury the emotions of all of it until I was alone in my car & could scream or cry. Slowly, it feels like I'm able to breathe again. I still catch myself crying for no reason other than the memory of what those days were like for me and our family. 

I thank God for the amazing people we have in our lives who have come through and helped us in a stressful time. I thank God that I gave birth in a place with a NICU team on hand and with the resources and medication to make Charley A-OK when he came out with his lungs a teensy bit under-developed.  I thank God that other than being early, Charley is perfectly healthy and beautiful. I thank God for this amazing little bundle who I am so blessed to be his mommy. I thank God for my family of 5 and the love that fills my life each and every day. We are blessed way beyond what we deserve. These were hard days. No doubt about it but we are incredibly blessed & loved. God is Good & my heart is happy :)