Chatty Jen, Jerky Jen

I will begin my 3rd trimester next week, yay!!! And I think I'm turning into a jerk...

Right now all I feel like I do is talk. I talk all day long. I talk to my friends, I talk to my family, I write on this blog, but mostly I talk to aiden. Who is non stop talking. We talk about the toys we are playing with, we talk about the trucks we are passing on the street, we talk about the car we are riding in, the stoplights we stop at, we talk about the trees, we talk about birds, we have fake tea parties, we have fake conversations with stuffed animals, we read books, we talk about our shoes, our shirts, we talk about what we're going to do that day, we talk about what we're gonna eat. We basically narrate what we're doing all day long, every day. It's like running commentary. So then when you compact that with the phone conversations I have with people and the text messages I receive/ send. I feel like all I do is engage in one conversation after the next all day long. So by the time ben gets home in the evenings, I am completely out of words. This is new for me. I have a lot of words. It takes a LOT for me to be out of words but by 7pm trust me, I'm out.

This is also new for ben. He's never known me to be out of words, so he constantly asks me if something is wrong? and when I don't start chatting away, he assumes there is and that I'm just not telling him what's wrong. It's a viscous cycle and then we have to do more talking to communicate that there really is nothing wrong, I just don't feel like talking. He stops asking but keeps looking at me out of the corner of his eye waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So yesterday I went to the store by myself and I listlessly went down aisle after aisle, allowing my mind to wander. Not naming any of the things I was passing or any of the items I was looking for, not talking to strangers, just pushing my cart up and down the aisles in complete silence. I loved it. I loved it so much that I started thinking I would really like to spend a whole day in silence. I was floating happily in my silent existence when I got into what was the shortest check out line but ended up taking the most amount of time because the cashier and the lady in front of me are having a rather lengthy conversation. The cashier smiles at me in acknowledgement as if to say "you're my next victim" and I smile back as I start thinking how obvious it would be if I put my items back in my cart and backed out of this check out line. The lady who is checking out (and talking) also turns to me at one point to try to bring me into their conversation and I again smile but don't say anything. Then just as the lady is paying for her purchase and about to leave she says to the cashier "I so enjoyed getting to talk to you, I have little ones at home and sometimes you just really need an adult conversation right?" again she turns to me for validation of her comment.

So this is the moment where I know for sure that I have turned into a jerk and the jerk inside me is thinking "umm no if I want an adult conversation I will call one of my adult friends or my adult family members, I would not engage the cashier at target in a lengthy conversation, seriously...does this lady have no friends? does she have no husband? doesn't she at the very least have a facebook page where she can update her status 45 times a day and one of her 400 closest "friends"out there will respond to every single thought that goes through her head? Really she comes to target to engage the cashier in an adult conversation??"

I of course say none of that. I may be a jerk on the inside but I'm still able to control it from coming out of my mouth. I say something like "oh yes I understand" and smile a friendly smile and wave goodbye to her and then as it is my turn to check out, I try to pretend like I'm ok talking to the cashier also cause I think that's what a non-jerk would do.

I'm working on my jerky attitude. But I figured the 1st step in recovery was confession!