Mixed emotions

Well I am now back home in Orlando. Ben came back home on friday so he could work and provide for us and also he had to take the LSAT on saturday. I stayed through the weekend to spend more time with my family. Last night (saturday) we went out to eat for mamaw's birthday. For those that don't know we had Bear's funeral on mamaw's birthday. Talk about difficult. But anyways, I guess we are all trying to get to a new place of normalcy. Our family will probably never look or feel the same as it did before so now it will be about "new normalcy." Anyways so we all went out saturday night to celebrate mamaw's birthday and the october birthdays (we have lots in october, the 1st of course being yours truly!!) Then when I got home late last night I had to pack and get ready for my 6:30 flight this morning.

I titled this mixed emotions because that is exactly how I feel. I am happy to be home but I am sad to be away from my family again. Being with my family helped tremendously as far as my sadness goes. I told my mom I basically balled my eyes out and didn't want to talk to anyone from the time they called me monday afternoon to say bear had passed until we landed tuesday night in dallas. Of course I cried at specific times during my visit. Of course the visitation and funeral were very hard but other than particularly hard moments, I felt better being there. Kind of like it's easier to handle as a group or something. Anyways now I am home and starting to feel sad again. Being in orlando has gotten old and I am tired of missing things. Most recently, I feel like I would have been able to handle this better had I been around for the week Bear was in the hospital. But to get a call saying he was gone after every report I was told was that he was improving; was shocking and devastating.

Anyways in the spirit of trying to create "new normalcy"....this will be my last post about the funeral and bear's death and all of that. I absolutely cannot say this will be the last day I feel sadness (probably very far from it) and I cannot say that it won't come out in my future blogs because this is my pregnancy blog and unfortunately this is something that happened during my pregnancy. But as of my next post I hope I will be able to move back into reporting about the baby and my pregnancy and continue to make this blog a special keepsake for our baby.